I’m sharing my story below in hopes that it may make you feel like you’re not alone and, hopefully, to shed some light as to how common miscarriages are. The after effects of miscarriage will look different for each woman.
I didn’t have many symptoms besides tender breasts, vivid dreams and slight irritability. Someone actually said to me before I saw my doctor, “If you’re not having symptoms, you should be worried.” It made me feel exactly that, worried. As if I didn’t have enough to be worried about having not seen my doctor yet. Also, many women have successful pregnancies with minimal symptoms. My mom and sister were both lucky to have very easy pregnancies.
When I first found out that a miscarriage was a possibility, my stomach dropped. My whole body ached and I feared the unbearable heartbreak that would come with that news. This might sound naive, it will in fact, but I never thought of the possibility of a young 26 year old woman with no health problems having a miscarriage. I know the risk percentage goes up the older you are. In fact, when my doctor (who I actually love) was telling me the risk percentages for each age group, I didn’t like it. Why was I in the 15% of women in my age group that it happened to? Is 15% supposed to sound like an unlikely probability? It didn’t to me because I fell within that 15%. If anything, the fact that I fell within that number made me feel like a minority and that I’m going through something that most women my age don’t deal with. However, that’s not true and it doesn’t serve me to think that way.
There is so much shame and guilt associated with having a miscarriage and I believe one thing contributing to that shame and guilt is the silence on the topic. As many as 50% of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage yet, no one talks about it. Most of the time, they happen due to chromosomal abnormalities/fatal genetic makeup which, isn’t your fault. This is such a common thing yet no one talks about it! It blows my mind. If there were a conversation about it and women talked about it like they talked about getting their period (obviously a miscarriage is an emotionally heavy thing to deal with, but I think you get my point), imagine how much support we’d feel between women when something like this happens. Rather than remaining quiet and walking around on a daily basis feeling like you’ve lost a child (because that’s what a miscarriage is) and not being able to tell anyone due to the fear of judgement. The whole thing blows my mind at how society views it and judges it. While I don’t think it should be viewed lightly at all, it should be talked about. As should all difficulties.
For me, there were so many “WHAT IFS” and “WHYS” that popped into my head when I first found out. Having this be the first time we were pregnant, it was terrifying. What if it happens again? What if it happens again but later in the process? Why can women with drug addictions carry a baby to term? Why can women that starve themselves and treat their bodies poorly carry a baby to term? And why can I, being a healthy 26 year old woman with no health problems and healthy eating/workout habits not carry this baby? Well, there’s no reason. It just wasn’t right this time.
So, here at Honest Darling, I want you to feel like there is no judgement. You can always share your story with me. Share your difficulties with me. Lean on me if you feel you have no one to talk to. I’m not a therapist, but I am a great listener and I am very much the mom to my friends.
A little nugget to takeaway if you’re suffering from a recent miscarriage or infertility:
No matter if you can or can’t carry, you are no less of a woman for having difficulties. You are strong and you are a warrior and you are beautiful. You will get through this and it’s not your fault. I repeat, it’s not your fault. I had one person say to me after finding out, “Is it your fault or his?” Ummmm I’m sorry, that’s highly insensitive and not okay to ask. Also, having a miscarriage is different than infertility. Some people will ask/say insensitive and inappropriate questions/comments. Don’t pay attention to them.
The after effects of miscarriage are those of emotional damage. There is shame, guilt, sadness, depression, exhaustion, loneliness and lack of desire. As well as many others as it looks different for every woman. These were/are mine. I’m still dealing with the depression part but it’s only been 1 week and I know I’ll get better. As hard as it is, I have to accept the fact that it happened. I have to accept that it happened to me. I have to have hope that it won’t happen again. I have to remind myself that I’m not alone. That as many as 50% of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage which means there is a community of badass women that deal with this alongside me.
Please send along any prayers or positive thoughts that you can to both Joey and myself as we deal with this loss. They’re appreciated.
xx
Tessa
